INSIDE MY DESTRUCTIVE MIND!
“Unless you have been there, you have no idea what led me to finally give up and give in”
I did not suddenly wake up one day and decide to end it all. It was not just one incident in my life that caused me to give up, it was an accumulation of past, present and a pessimistic future.
Thinking back, I would never intentionally want to hurt my family in anyway, the truth was that at that time I could only see one way out of the ordeal I was in.
I have suffered from depression throughout my life and by balancing the right medication and therapy I was just about learning to manage my mental health difficulties.
I was employed by a company that I was loyal to for ten years. I was the longest serving in my department and the chosen to be made redundant. I had debts that I was struggling to pay, and I also was at the point of finding an uncomplicated way to end a relationship that I lost interest in.
I have never been good at any kind of close relationships and tend to keep people at arm’s length. I do not get deeply involved, and I have no interest in any kind of permanent arrangement. My family are the closest I have to any kind of commitment.
My decision to end my life was not in any way planned, it would take a day of trying to find help to the solution of my problems, with mental health being my first key step.
I was made redundant in March 2011, and it was a devastating time for me as I foolishly thought that I was indispensable as I was popular.
The reader needs to understand that any major changes in a mental health suffers life can be catastrophic. I was going to lose my routine, my colleagues, and my regular income to maintain my home. In my mind I saw myself not been able to pay my rent, being evicted and losing all my possessions that I worked hard for.
A healthier mind would have seen this as a sign to better themselves and do something that I really had a passion for. My mind was full of doom and gloom.
I straight away found a job as a credit controller in a construction company, but it did not last because I was too depressed and lacked concentration that I was laid off within two weeks of employment. Also, I was not happy there because of the disrespectful management.
I then had an interview the following week with another construction company, I do not know how I managed to convince the employer that I could do this job of which was way above my intelligence.
The day I had to start work was the day I rang in and turned down the position. This day was the day where everything would work against me.
My parents were in the Caribbean at the time, my mother was due back in two days’ time, this I never thought of. I would never have burdened my family with my difficulties. I have always been independently living on my own and dealing with my own problems.
That same morning, I took myself to the GP surgery as I knew that I needed some intervention, I was already having one to one counselling and I was not due to have my next session till the following week.
I was down in the dumps, and as usual, had no appetite for food, I just wanted to talk to my GP, he has known me since I was twenty, and he genuinely cares about me without a doubt. If I just could have got past reception that day, I would have saved me from myself.
Even though I told them that it was urgent they said “Doctor S is busy and does not have time to see you, ring back at 8am tomorrow” normally I would have stood up to them and refused to leave, but the state of mind I was in, I just walked out feeling defeated.
I decided to walk around my local shopping centre to try to make sense of what my options were. Then I went home.
I felt like the entire system was against me and there was no way out of my situation and that everyone would be better off without me, I would put myself out of my misery and they would get over it.
I was desperate to end the way I felt , my thoughts were dark, I was angry with the managers that had made me redundant, I was lost, and I felt I had no good enough reason to stay on this earth. I found myself ruminating on my past traumas, that is when I made a decision that would affect a lot of people.
I messaged my family members telling them that I love them and emptied my medicine cabinet down my throat with a bottle of ruby port.
Today I am here, as a survivor, because of my mother’s instinct and the quick actions of my sister.
I only remember being in a trance, opening the door to the men in green and when I regained consciousness to my surprise, the hospital room was full of familiar faces of family and friends. Consequently this eventually landed me with a stay in a psychiatric ward.
It took me a long time to recover from my breakdown and once I was discharged, I could not understand how I spent most of my day at home staring at the wall. My mother stayed with me although she was working, she stayed with me.
I cannot tell you what was going through my mind when I sat down all day it was as if I was lost in a bubble. I never believed that I would ever be able to talk or ever regain my sanity.
People could say that suicide is a selfish act but unless you have been standing at the edge of that cliff in your mind you really have no idea. The truth is that I carried a lot of pain with me over the years, that I never truly accepted or dealt with. I had five years of different therapies and I am still managing my triggers.
My last attempt was in 2018, after I lost my Beloved Father to cancer, I just became self-destructive through drink and drugs.
August 2018 I was introduced to some incredibly special people who ran conferences in London .They helped turn my life around. I call them my second family.
In October of the same year I gave up my destructive behaviour and haven’t touched a drop of alcohol in three years.
Today I am living my dream, helping people through my work, and keeping my Father alive through my projects. I am not cured of my mental health difficulties, but I have learnt how to manage my triggers and have support from my family.
In everything there must be a balance, I lived my life solely relying on a job which I was grateful to have ,but unhappy in. Thinking back, I now know never to put all my eggs in one basket.
Today I have three part time jobs serving the public plus my own project and website. All this became possible because I have learnt to believe in myself and the love I have for my Father keeps me going.
Natalie Bleau
The Scripture of Balance
