INTRODUCTION TO EMBRACING WOMAN HOOD- A bit about me...

"IT’S A GIRL"

My entrance into the world occurred on August 11, 1972, at Mother’s Hospital in Hackney, East London. I made my debut as a tiny baby girl, tipping the scales at just over 3 pounds.

My earliest memory of that time is the blinding light in the incubator that affected my right eye. Everything else from that moment is a blur.

As an infant all I could remember at that time was the distinction between the frilly dresses I had to wear and the trousers the boys wore. I understood the words “girl” and “boy,” but my understanding of identity didn’t extend much further than that.

During my early years, from 0 to 6, my parents didn’t place much emphasis on the differences between boys and girls. They simply allowed us to be children, without imposing gender stereotypes.

The only distinction I recall from my childhood was that when we were dressed in dresses or skirts, we were expected to sit with our legs crossed or together.

Our upbringing instilled in us the values of being ladies, emphasizing etiquette and decorum in all aspects of our lives.

As soon as my sister Michelle and I had the opportunity, we would eagerly change into our beloved shorts or trousers, relishing the freedom from girly activities.

Reflecting on the past, I realise that I wouldn’t have wanted to be a boy, but I often acted like one until I was nineteen.

Boys seemed to have more fun with games like football, climbing trees, and exploring, and growing up around my male cousins, I thoroughly enjoyed engaging in these activities with them.

Thoughts of kissing, boyfriends, or love never crossed my mind during that time, as I had absolutely no interest in such matters.

While I heard the fairy tales of the girl being saved by a Prince, I always envisioned myself as the female warrior, the hero of my own story.

In some way, I understood that I was a girl, but I didn’t identify with the notion of being the weaker sex. I believed that females could be strong and capable, just like males.

DOMESTIC DUTIES

I can still recall the time when I turned seven years old. It was then that we were assigned small responsibilities, such as rotating the task of washing the silverware and mastering the art of making our own beds.

I didn’t view these tasks as training for marriage, but rather as a way to foster independence within us.

As I grew older, the only distinction I observed was that girls were expected to clean the house while boys were allowed to relax and do nothing this discrepancy was particularly prevalent in certain cultures.

My understanding is that traditionally, the man would go out to work while the woman stayed at home to care for the children and manage the household chores.

It was a common knowledge in the seventies, particularly if you were lucky to have a dependable father.

At the age of ten, us girls were tasked with household chores such as vacuuming, ironing, and washing dishes.

I have no recollection of ever being permitted to cook, but I would observe my parents in the kitchen and that’s how I picked up the skill.

There were distinct sets of rules for boys and girls – girls were expected to serve and prepare for marriage, while boys were encouraged to work hard.

In my understanding, boys were encouraged to pursue a successful career, while girls were raised to marry and have children.

We were taught to be decent and respectful, as any actions by girls were believed to have the potential to tarnish their reputation.

PUBERTY

I was not your average teenager; in fact, I was quite behind in physical development and very innocent.

Allow me to elaborate. I did not go through puberty or menstruation until I was around 18, and I had no interest in sex or boyfriends.

I was a young girl in a body that was taking its time to grow. I never had to deal with teenage acne, and I was oblivious to the usual hormonal struggles that girls my age faced.

Being placed on the contraceptive pill accelerated the stagnation of growth in my body.

It wasn’t until Good Friday before my 18th birthday that the curse arrived and I began my journey into womanhood.

By the age of 19, I was no longer welcome to participate in boys’ activities and was considered a woman.

I resented the fact that the boys stopped letting me join in their football games, even though I was always hanging out with them.

I have always viewed myself as a “ladette” and never desired to be anything different.

By the time I turned 19, most of the girls I knew were already in relationships or had started their families with their first or second child.

I had a boyfriend when I was 18, but our relationship was more innocent and childish, with no intimate aspects involved.

THE OPPOSITE SEX

Romantic or sexual thoughts about the opposite sex never really crossed my mind.

I believed that if it was meant to happen, it would happen naturally.

Sure, I had a vague idea of the kind of guy I liked, but beyond that, I didn’t dwell on thoughts of romantic or sexual relationships.

The lasting impact of hearing about failed relationships from other adults has stayed with me over the years.

Growing up, the only relationship I knew was that of my parents, which I viewed as the ideal.

But as I heard stories of infidelity, exploitation, and men neglecting their duties in other relationships, it left a negative mark on me.

I began to believe that there were no honorable men like my father, and I found myself constantly comparing other guys to him throughout my life.

Growing up, I was already aware that fairy tale romances were not a reality, and the cautionary tales from other female adults had made me paranoid and insecure about relationships.

By the time I reached this stage in my life, I had developed a belief that the majority of men were only interested in using women for sex and then discarding them.

I had convinced myself that men were all selfish individuals who would impregnate you and then abandon you, seeking only to take advantage and exploit you.

Even before considering the concept of relationships or marriage, I had already adopted a mindset that deemed premarital sex as immoral, believing that engaging in such behavior would make me undesirable and tarnished.

Despite not having much interest in sex, I decided to experiment with a guy I had been dating for a year when I turned 20.

However, the experience was far from the exciting portrayal I had heard about, and I never found pleasure in it – I simply wanted to conform and be perceived as normal.

It wasn’t until much later that I realized the extent of my psychological issues surrounding relationships and sex.

RELATIONSHIPS

I constantly feared betrayal from my partner and was ready to sabotage any connection that challenged my insecurities.

I believed that I was inherently flawed and that all relationships were destined to fail.

After my first ever intimate relationship that was on and off. I transformed into a cold and heartless individual, completely devoid of any emotions. I reveled in being cruel and dominating, taking pleasure in treating others poorly.

My father constantly reminded me to treat others with kindness and respect, no matter the circumstances.

I failed to grasp the concept of romance and love, viewing them as foolish and feeble.

Perhaps my misunderstanding stemmed from my initial experiences and the negative attitudes that women had that I absorbed from those around me.

My hopes for a successful relationship were shattered long before I had the chance to form my own thoughts.

EXPECTATIONS

Raised in a strict Christian household, my family and relatives were the ultimate authority on knowledge and salvation, guiding me away from condemnation.

The expectation was that we would acquire all the necessary domestic skills to attract a suitable husband from within the church and eventually get married.

I found myself questioning, “What comes next?”

Despite having numerous suitors within the church, I couldn’t bring myself to enter into a relationship with someone I didn’t truly care for. The thought of a loveless relationship and unwanted children loomed over me, trapping me in a life of mediocrity.

As I navigated through adulthood, I found myself repeatedly questioned about my marital status and whether I had children. The reactions were always the same – surprise and disbelief – when I revealed that I was neither married nor a parent.

I defied the societal norms and expectations of my generation by breaking every rule in the book.

People would often reference biblical teachings or cultural norms to justify the expectation that women should marry and have children.

This was also the wish of my parents for me when I was younger. In an ideal world, perhaps I would have followed that path.

CONCLUSION

I want to emphasize that I never wanted to be controlled by any man or woman. I cherish my freedom, and if given the choice,

I would prefer to be genderless, without any of the hormones or afflictions that women face.

As a human being, I have a voice and I am unafraid to stand up for my beliefs, no matter the consequences.

Losing friends and having relationships deteriorate is simply a part of life.

I am Natalie Bleau, and above all else, I identify as a human being.

Natalie Bleau

Author

Scripture of Balance