LIVING A LIE

The hardest thing you will ever do is be honest with yourself. The reason is because you know it is going to change the pattern of everything in your life.

I do not even know the real outcome of my situation. I can remain friends with anyone, but they may not want to have anything to do with me once I tell them.

My entire world shifted after the death of my Beloved Father any chance of ever feeling completely happy has now dissipated.

I have found myself being guarded and extra cautious about everything. My have been fighting with my mental health for many years and it has now become unbearable. I realise that I am living a lie.

I have been feeling dead inside for a long time and have no desire to be in any romantic or intimate relationships with anyone. I have had therapy around this problem and tonight I cannot sleep because I know that I must do the right thing.

I never given anyone false hope that I would ever be committed to them. I have always been honest; I have nothing to bring to a relationship due to my complex trauma. I have always given them the option of finding someone else that could make them happy. It has never been about me being selfish.

They are fully aware of how I feel by my actions alone, but I am not out to hurt anyone, but I would prefer to put this whole thing to bed and stop offering myself false hope of me ever feeling any different.

I have never been good with intimate relationships as I struggle with emotions and I come across as cold and very much standoffish, it has only gotten worse over the years.

I am not feeling unhappy with the way I because it is like a numbness that is inside of me. I have not lost my empathy or sympathy towards others, but I no longer feel like a person who wants to be attached and responsible for anyone else. Any kind of intimacy now horrifies me.

I have had a lot of health challenges in the past couple of years and it has been tough facing up to the reality that I am not the person I thought I was and that is something I must live with for what is left of my life.

There is only so much lying that you can do to yourself but when others are involved you must lay your cards on the table and be honest with them. I have tried my hardest to fight the way I feel but I cannot change it as I am only lying to myself.

I realised no amount of therapy is going to take the pain away or repair the damage that has been done already. The truth is that it is only going to get worse.

I would say that with all that is wrong with me I should never have stepped into another relationship. It has all become clear to me now and I must be the responsible adult and speak my truth.

I am not afraid to be alone in this world because I already feel like an empty carcass, and I am operating on auto pilot. I spend all my waking moments working to be effective in other people’s life until I depart off this mortal coil.

I have made my mark in my blogs, books and just speaking to people daily and I would not wish this illness that I have on my worst enemy.

Nobody would understand how it works as I realise now that it is not something that you can just fix, and I don’t intend on living another day like this when it is affecting others involved.

In everything there must be a balance.

Natalie Bleau The Scripture of Balance