MY LIFE, MY CHOICE
To lead a life filled with contentment, I consciously confined myself within the walls that I erected, shielding myself from potential harm.
Why did I choose this path?
Well, trust issues have plagued me, and I’ve always sought to avoid experiencing the overwhelming pain that follows disappointment.
During my formative years, I carried the weight of rejection from much of my family. I constantly felt like an outsider, never truly belonging to any group or gathering.
However, if you were to observe me now, it would be hard to fathom the past.
Today, I am embraced wholeheartedly within the diverse circles I navigate, experiencing genuine acceptance from those around me.
However, I find myself engulfed by a sense of being utterly swamped, causing me to instinctively retreat from the spotlight, unsure of how to fully embrace it.
Countless individuals would delight in basking in the limelight, relishing the abundance of attention and accolades bestowed upon them by their companions.
I possess a genuine humility that prevents me from taking credit for my accomplishments. Instead, I have developed a tendency to swiftly shift my focus towards the next objective.
During my youth, I never truly believed that I had achieved anything worthwhile, as I constantly felt that my efforts fell short of perfection.
This detrimental pattern of behaviour seems to have been inherited from my mother, who struggles to accept compliments and dismisses them as insignificant gestures.
The root of this issue can be traced back to the women in my family lineage, who were never taught how to gracefully acknowledge and appreciate praise.
Back in our childhood days, we were affectionately dubbed angels, for we possessed an unwavering discipline akin to that of well-drilled soldiers, no matter where our adventures took us.
However, this impeccable conduct was primarily driven by a deep-rooted fear of making even the slightest misstep.
Our upbringing was rigorously enforced, a testament to my mother’s unyielding pursuit of perfection that continues to this day.
This conduct comes with its advantages and disadvantages, for we were regarded as well-behaved children, leaving a lasting impression on everyone we encountered.
As we transitioned into our teenage and adult years, we encountered a confusing oddity.
The world we entered was marred by imperfections, and the very things we were taught to avoid were being embraced as the new normal.
I often found myself unable to conform to the lifestyle of the majority, as I had been taught that their actions were morally incorrect.
Consequently, I would pass judgement on them and treat them as if they were beneath me.
I acquired the nickname Hitler and was labelled as militant, a title I considered harsh.
Instead of succumbing to their reckless ways, I chose to be myself.
However, I did manage to find solace in adopting a more laid-back approach in certain aspects of life, albeit with a lingering sense of guilt that haunted me, as if I were destined to face eternal damnation.
My past experiences have taught me that my attitude towards others played a significant role in the failure of every relationship I encountered.
I often found myself being distant and cold, making it evident to those around me when I disapproved of their actions.
Moreover, I tended to be overly critical if they fell short of the standards I had set.
No man could have possibly matched the level of acceptance my Father had achieved.
I consider myself incredibly lucky to have had such an exceptional role model in my life, someone who possessed all the qualities I desired in a partner.
Yet, every man I encountered fell short of his impeccable standards.
My Father embodied the true essence of a gentleman in every aspect of his being.
He and my mother formed an unbreakable team, capable of accomplishing anything together. Whatever task she could do, he could do just as well, and vice versa.
His ambition propelled him to climb the ranks within the government, getting a promotion despite the limitations imposed upon him.
However, his family always remained his top priority, placing their needs above his own. He abstained from vices such as drinking, smoking, and gambling, setting a remarkable example for us all.
Not only did he engage in activities typically associated with mothers, such as playing with his daughters and braiding our hair, but he did so with genuine enthusiasm.
His kindness, humility, and love radiated from him, touching the lives of many children with absent fathers who were fortunate enough to know him and look up to him.
Throughout his life, he dedicated his time to coaching and guiding others, sharing his wisdom and experiences to help them navigate their own paths.
As I reflect on my past, I recall the moment when my Father became aware of my tendency to measure every man I encountered against him. With a gentle yet firm tone, he uttered, “You shall never encounter another soul quite like me, my child.”
In the final months of his existence, I vividly remember him imparting a valuable piece of advice, urging me to treat others as human beings.
Little did I know that his words held profound wisdom.
For whenever a man failed to meet my expectations, I would gradually develop resentment towards them, ultimately leading to the end of our relationship, as my heart would become consumed by hatred.
The most effective approach I adopted was to completely avoid engaging in any form of relationship.
Living with another individual would simply be unbearable for me, given my inability to tolerate their undesirable behaviours.
The notion of spending my days cleaning up after someone else was beyond anything I could have ever fathomed.
I cherish the tranquilly and freedom that come with being exempt from any regulations or limitations.
Seeking companionship would be reserved solely for moments outside the confines of my home.
During seeking therapy to address various aspects of my life, I made a conscious decision to decline relationship therapy.
The reason being, I hold no concern or desire for a lifelong partnership. I firmly believe that my purpose in life does not revolve around finding a significant other or having children, and this realisation brings me immense contentment.
Naturally, I enjoy the company of others, but I also cherish the freedom to spend approximately 70% of my time in solitude, pursuing my own passions without any interruptions.
This autonomy allows me to fully engage in activities that bring me joy and fulfilment.
I am not someone who enjoys drama or chaos. My true bliss lies in finding solace and tranquilly within myself. If I ever desire human interaction, I can simply step outside and engage with others.
This is my inherent nature, and it is the only way I can manage my mental health struggles. With the presence of my higher power, personal trainer, my beloved books, and trusty tablet, I find peace and contentment.
I’ve always said to friends that if you come across someone who adds value to your life, hold onto them tightly.
However, if someone disrupts your peace and serenity, it’s best to let them go.
I am not against men or women; I have simply found solace in my own company.
During my difficult days, I can navigate them without burdening others or enduring their reminders of my misery; I can simply exist.
When I desire an early bedtime, I am not obligated to justify it to anyone.
If I lack an appetite, I am not compelled to provide explanations.
I can indulge in the music of my choice, watch whatever I please on TV, and relish in quiet moments with a book or a nap.
There is no need for me to be accountable to anyone.
Today, I possess the liberty to either rise and engage in activities or remain nestled in bed, embracing idleness without any obligations.
When I find myself not in the mood, I am not even obliged to engage in conversations with others. I have the convenience of relying on voicemail to handle any communication.
I have deliberately embraced this existence, a life carefully selected, and only a few are blessed with the privilege of possessing such autonomy.
Natalie Bleau Author
