RE-LIVING CHILDHOOD TRAUMA

Trauma is a disconcerting experience that leaves a lasting impact on your life. It never entirely leaves your memory, but you find ways to cope when it resurfaces in your thoughts.

Many individuals will encounter a distressing incident in their lifetime that may diminish over time and be perceived in a new light.

The lingering effects of childhood trauma are like deep-rooted wounds that never fully heal, growing more painful and persistent with each passing year.

If left unchecked, it pollutes the path to your future.

This is the most accurate description I can provide.

In the eighties, therapy was not as readily available as it is today.

Looking back, I can’t help but wish that I had access to the tools and support that could have prevented years of unnecessary suffering.

However, on reflection, it would not have been beneficial unless I was willing to release the demon that had a grip on me.

After spending 52 years on this planet, I’ve realised that only three years were truly lived to the fullest.

For six long years, I have been delving into the depths of my past, sifting through the archives of my mind and trying to piece together the puzzle of my life.

Realising that everything you’ve believed and lived by is a fabrication is one of the most challenging truths.

This individual was not really me but a blend of multiple people with their distinct traits.

The unsettling question that lingered was my own identity.

I was familiar with the fundamental details of my identity — my birthplace and family lineage — but I felt like an outsider and yearned for a true sense of belonging.

It wasn’t until I reached my late forties that I finally started on the path to uncovering my true self.

Some say it’s never too late, but it wasn’t until the loss of the one person who believed in me that I finally saw the emptiness in my soul.

My Father has always been a source of encouragement, pushing me to confront my fears head-on and embrace a life of living fully.

I realised that my mental well-being had deteriorated to a critical point, and I understood that I needed to confront my inner demons head-on, no matter how complex or painful the process may be.

I spent far too long lost in the shadows, but eventually, I discovered a way to welcome the brightness.

After dedicating years to learning, understanding, and healing, the journey towards therapy and management will continue indefinitely.

The pain of my past resurfaces frequently, whether sparked by a passing thought or haunting my dreams, and I must confront it head-on before it takes me into the depths of destruction.

This is not something I can easily dismiss and move past, but I am determined not to let it consume me and now have the tools to protect myself and remain strong.

The only downside to this situation is the overwhelming anger and rage that occasionally consume me, leading to outbursts directed at strangers that I struggle to contain.

I am furious at myself for allowing others to turn my childhood into a living nightmare.

Confronting my inner demons has led to a newfound sense of peace, self-esteem, self-love, and the transformation into a stronger, more authentic version of myself.

I have reclaimed my strength from those who sought to tear me down.

The negative beliefs I once held about myself were merely the poisonous thoughts planted by others to bring me down. But now, I stand firm in my truth and know exactly who I am.

I have undergone a significant transformation, accomplished many goals and strived to make a positive impact.

I now hold the pen to my own story, but God will determine the path ahead.

If I could tell my younger self one thing, it would be this: “Don’t worry; things will get better in time.”

Perhaps I wouldn’t have been so self-destructive and attempted to take my own life. Maybe I could have discovered how to embrace self-love and silence those sinister voices within me.

To those grappling with childhood trauma, remember this: the pain of the past no longer has the power to harm you. It’s time to reclaim the control you’ve unknowingly surrendered to those who hurt you.

Do not let them consume more of your precious time and mental energy.

I had to let go of the past and forgive it to pave the way for a genuine future.

You will never forget it, but embrace it and let it go when it resurfaces.

Never to dwell.

In everything, there must be a balance.

Natalie M Bleau