SHADOWS OF SHAME
A painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of feeling guilty for doing something that you believe is wrong.
I have felt guilt and shame all of my life as I have based my morals on my religious upbringing.
The bible condemns sexual immorality. Such as adultery, bestiality and homosexuality. Sex before marriage is not addressed in that exact term but according to religious beliefs, still falls under that scope of sexual immorality.
I have always felt uncomfortable around sexual intimacy. The voice in my head would tell me that I was doing something wrong hence I would not be able to embrace it.
These are a few verses from the Holy Bible.
1 Corinthians 7:2, which says, “But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.”
“Sexual union within marriage, which is commended, is set against immorality, which is to be avoided. Thus, any sex outside of marriage is considered immoral. This would have to include premarital sex.”
Hebrews 13:4, “Marriage should be honoured by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”
Living life, the Godly way is hard as no one can guarantee they will ever get married and if so, they may find that they are not really sexually attracted to that person. Then they will either divorce or commit adultery.
‘If I could begin my life again with what I know, regardless of the rules, I would gladly refrain from any kind of sexual activity as it has never been fulfilling.’
I lived my life feeling guilt and shame for just being me. I had hated myself inside and outside.
When I moved to South Wales the racial abuse, I suffered for six years made me feel ashamed and humiliated for not being able to identify with the people over there because I stood out as different.
I used to be afraid to speak as I felt that whatever I said people would regard as nonsense. I just kept my opinions to myself to save feeling the humiliation.
I was not brought up to believe that men were superior to women. My parents were responsible and respectful adults, and both worked very hard to make sure that we had what we needed.
Later on in life I had the shame of being diagnosed with Bipolar, Depression, Anxiety, OCD and also the fact that I have been admitted to a Mental Health Facility.
I realise today that it was not my place to feel ashamed.
The fact of the matter is that my relations wanted to keep it a secret. They were ashamed of me.
It is very lonely when you are living with an illness that impacts the way you feel and behave as no one wants to be around you.
I have always suffered from anxiety and depression as a teen but did not have the tools to deal with it. My Bipolar diagnosis came in 2007 and I was so much in denial because I was ashamed to be seen as different. I never wanted to be labelled.
Today it does not bother me at all because it means that I can be open and help others who suffer and can relate.
I thought that I had dealt with all my past issues, habitual thinking and that the shackles had come off. But I am back in therapy again.
The only way to beat shame and humiliation is to stand up for what you believe in and stand tall.
In everything there must be a balance.
Natalie Bleau
The Scripture of Balance
