SPIRITUAL GROWTH

I grew up in a household deeply rooted in the Christian faith, where strict guidelines and expectations were the norm. Daily Bible readings were a fundamental part of our routine.

Before each meal, we would give thanks and offer grace, and before we retired for the night, we would say the Lord’s Prayer.

I joined church groups to socialise with kids raised in Christian homes.

I dedicated my life to Jesus during a Billy Graham convention as a young child.

I faithfully attended church for many years until I finally left home at 19.

The preacher’s words often went over my head, leaving me lost in my thoughts and unable to grasp the message entirely.

Focusing is challenging, but I never truly desired to be in church.

Over time, I allowed God to fade into the background of my life, neglecting to engage in any activities related to Him.

The mention of the word ‘God’ used to evoke negative emotions in me, as I believed that some Christians were trying to blend culture into their beliefs.

I can never forget the arbitrary regulations created solely to exert control.

One rule is that watching television on Sundays is not allowed.

God would be wielded as a weapon to strike you down.

Nowhere in the Bible does it condone the act of physically disciplining your children.

I realised that many of the rules handed down by our ancestors are no longer acceptable in today’s society.

No matter what actions I took or places I visited, God always lingered in the depths of my thoughts.

Most kids I grew up with in the church followed their paths.

I always had a strong sense of morality, so whenever I acted in a way that went against my Christian beliefs, I couldn’t help but feel a deep understanding of guilt.

Fornication was a central focus in my life, yet I never truly felt at ease with it.

I can see why some people choose to save themselves for their future spouse, but it would mean missing out on experiences.

While sex wasn’t the primary focus of our relationship, it seemed like a common thread among everyone. I didn’t lose my innocence until I turned 20.

I felt no pressure to lose my innocence, and I didn’t enjoy it.

In both legal and religious terms, fornication is described as consensual sexual relations between two individuals, at least one of whom is not married.

I have never been able to fully embrace intimacy because a lingering feeling of guilt always crept into my mind, making me question if I was doing something morally wrong.

If given the chance to start over, I would likely choose to abstain from sex as it often seems to be overhyped.

The only guideline on the path I was treading was never intentionally to cause harm to anyone.

Over the last ten years, I strayed from living a righteous life and instead indulged in worldly pleasures, resisting any form of control over my behaviours.

The turning point for me was recognising the destructive behaviours stemming from my struggles with manic depression and the dark moments of attempted suicide.

I shouldn’t be alive. I should have perished long ago.

It wasn’t until I found myself in the hospital in 2011 that I truly understood the divine intervention at play.

My perspective shifted on many things, yet I still struggled with destructive tendencies. Despite my efforts, my last attempt occurred in July 2018.

The moment my dear Father received the devastating news of his stage 4 cancer diagnosis, I found myself feeling a profound connection to God like never before.

During a challenging period, I found it necessary to maintain emotional and mental resilience by turning to heavy drinking to numb my feelings.

Following my Father’s passing, I never allowed myself the time to mourn correctly and instead found myself spiralling down a path of self-destruction.

I felt numb, as if life held no meaning without my hero, who God had cruelly taken away. All I wanted was for him to return and bring back the light in my world.

Following my most recent suicide attempt in July 2018, I was warned that I would be involuntarily committed to a psychiatric facility indefinitely.

I realised that my excessive drinking and drug use were spiralling out of control, leading me to frequent visits to the emergency room for various reasons.

I had a feeling that I had reached my breaking point. After my last failed attempt at ending my life in July 2018, I decided to quit drinking and using drugs.

On October 4, I decided to become sober and quit cold turkey. The memory of that difficult time serves as a constant reminder of why I will never again reach for another bottle.

During the initial three years of my journey to sobriety, I found myself grappling with confusion and making impulsive decisions that I later regretted.

My mind was thrown into disarray after ending one relationship and starting another. I discovered that I wasn’t ready for intimate connections with anyone.

For years, I lacked any romantic emotions and wasted precious time being emotionally detached.

After four years of sobriety, I understood the importance of relinquishing control of my life to God, as I was not ready to make commitments to anyone else.

I needed to let go of my boyfriend to clear my mind and focus on myself.

Finding myself alone once more wasn’t difficult, as I craved solitude to contemplate the changes I needed to make to transform into a better version of myself.

Through analysing my thoughts and emotions, I gained valuable insights into myself.

I began documenting my journey of self-discovery, realising that I had been living a facade of a life.

The upcoming years were excruciating as I had to unearth everything from the very core of my being.

One of the most challenging experiences is when you find yourself lost and unsure of your own identity.

During these challenging times, I had to let go of everything I thought I knew and retrain my mind and heart to think and feel in new ways.

I was lost in a whirlwind of chaos, unsure of the true purpose of my existence. My mind was blank, devoid of any thoughts or beliefs.

I am grateful to have discovered a higher power that resonates with my beliefs and values. This deity embodies love, compassion, and the bestowal of wisdom, strength, and knowledge.

The deity I was familiar with in the past focused on condemning and passing judgment.

After discovering God, my entire life transformed, and I finally found my true self.

I am grateful for the wisdom and courage that God has bestowed upon me, guiding me through life’s challenges. Each day, I humbly pray for His guidance to lead me along the path of righteousness.

I possess an independent mind and am not swayed easily by the words of others trying to influence me.

My unwavering love for God stems from His omnipotence and ability to rescue me from my struggles. Through His grace, I have navigated my mental health obstacles and fulfilled my dream of becoming an author.

I am confident that numerous blessings are on the horizon, and I welcome them with open arms, knowing they are all God-given gifts. Fear has no place in my heart when I trust His divine plan.

There are moments when I may falter and face turbulent times, but he will always lead me through the storms.

I have yet to mourn the passing of my dear Father fully. After eight long years of being confined to an urn, his ashes were finally laid to rest in his rightful home. Though he is no longer with us in body, I find solace in knowing he is now where he belongs.

He always looks out for me, and his spirit resides within me.

I trust my heart to know where he is, so I don’t need anyone else’s opinions or interpretations.

The true nature of death remains a mystery, with only the departure of the spirit from the body offering any semblance of an answer.

He is now in a peaceful place, and I am confident we will be reunited one day.

I honour the beliefs of others as they are personal to them, but I hold onto my own beliefs that drive me forward.

In everything, there must be a balance.

Natalie M Bleau

Scripture of Balance