THAT SILENT THREAT~

Unseen and Deadly.

Warning: This post delves into the emotions leading up to a potential suicide attempt.

I must approach this topic cautiously, as it may impact those who deeply connect with it.

I have touched on this subject in the past, but I have never dug deep into my soul to convey the raw hurt and pain within me.

I am compelled to write about this, for many have lost their lives and are unable to share their story.

The decision to put an end to my suffering was influenced by a multitude of reasons rather than being attributed to a single issue.

Many suffer from suicidal ideation, but fortunately, they have not taken any action. This reveals a deep desire to be understood and valued rather than a desire to end it all.

Some people feel compelled to share their plans on social media and silently plead for support and connection.

Those who remain silent have reached their breaking point and can no longer endure pain and suffering.

It is often advised to be cautious of the signs and symptoms, as they can reveal someone’s true intentions.

However, without knowing someone well, it is impossible to guess their real motives accurately.

One cannot determine if someone is struggling with chronic depression simply by looking at their outward appearance.

Throughout my life, I have always worn dark colours to blend into the shadows and remain unnoticed.

I have always viewed any attention directed towards me as a negative omen, a belief that has followed me since childhood.

I never considered myself selfish because I genuinely believed that no one would be affected if I chose to end my own life.

Even though I shared a strong bond with my Father, as a child, I often thought that death would have been a relief, as it would have lifted the burden of him constantly sticking up for me.

When you spend most of your life in darkness, it becomes challenging to find the light.

As a child, enduring constant bullying and physical abuse can be incredibly damaging to one’s spirit, making you feel worthless and insignificant.

The feeling of perpetual rejection and never genuinely belonging to your tribe will linger within you indefinitely.

There is no easy solution. Neither therapy nor self-help can erase all the trauma you have experienced.

I always felt adrift, unsure of my true self and lacking a sense of where I belonged in the grand scheme of things.

My identity remained a mystery, and I did not understand what I believed to be me. I had not found myself.

All my knowledge was rooted in what had been internalised, yet I squandered precious time heeding the judgments and pressures of those who deemed themselves superior to me.

Only recently did I discover my true purpose by reshaping my thoughts.

My Emotional & Mental State

I will convey the emotions behind the decisions rather than just focusing on the actions themselves.

I vividly recall the moment when I woke up in my mundane, negative existence and made the conscious choice to stop battling my inner demons.

I felt completely stuck, unable to see a way out, and the simple act of leaving the safety of my bed filled me with dread for the day ahead.

Sleeping became my constant companion, providing a respite from the burdens of thinking and feeling. It was during these moments that I would numb myself with sleeping pills, choosing to escape rather than confront the harsh realities of the world.

The only occasion I would get out of bed was to bathe and brush my teeth.

My obsessive-compulsive tendencies make it challenging for me to relax in bed without feeling clean, a habit that may appear foreign to others.

The internal turmoil and emotional distress consuming my mind proved to be a force more powerful than my strength could withstand.

Food has never been a big priority, so I wasn’t too concerned about eating.

I needed divine intervention to save me from my inner turmoil.

In moments of vulnerability, the demons within us have a cunning ability to resurface all the painful memories and traumas, persuading us that things will never improve.

Adding insult to injury, my own self-loathing only exacerbated the situation.

No matter how hard others tried to reassure me, I couldn’t shake the belief that I was unworthy and doomed to a lifetime of misery.

‘I found myself at a crossroads, unsure which path to take. The demons whispered sweet promises of peace and relief from all my struggles and pain. They convinced me I would be better off if I gave in.’

‘A voice within me whispered, urging me to reconsider my path. It insisted that I push through the obstacles ahead, reminding me of my inner strength and resilience.’

‘My mind was consumed by the endless loop of the argument, circling round and round without resolution.’

‘The shadow of my pessimistic past, my discontented present, and the looming uncertainty of the future loomed large in my thoughts.’

I turned my back on my moral compass, yet I still pleaded with God to grant me forgiveness for the impending actions I was about to take.

Trapped in this predicament, it became clear that no exit was in sight. I readied myself for the conclusion, longing for a moment of serenity.

Emptiness loomed ahead…. then there was a nothingness.

I will never forget the moments when I woke up in the hospital, my mind clouded with confusion.

‘What am I doing here?’ Who are all these people?’

The moment of truth arrived when I acknowledged that I was not in paradise but firmly rooted in the present. The anger I held towards God resurfaced, propelling me towards a renewed determination to confront Him once more.

But what followed was even more daunting — the months ahead, trapped in a suffocating bubble of depression.

Days slipped by unnoticed as if time itself had lost all meaning.

Visitors would come and go, enquiring about my well-being, but I had no words to offer in response and no expression.

Instead, I found myself lost in contemplation, fixated on the blank expanse of the wall before me.

Establishing a daily habit of taking medication promptly and attempting to work up an appetite enough to consume a meal was a chore, even if it was never complete.

I did not bother to keep track of the hours and minutes of the day, as time was not significant to me.

I consider this the most challenging aspect of my ordeal because while others may view my survival as fortunate, I struggle to see it that way.

I lost all sense of self-awareness and felt trapped within the confines of my mind, unsure of how to break free.

I felt numb in my emotions, a lingering frustration and discontentment that I struggled to express through tears or words.

I sat on the couch, lost in thought as the sun ascended and eventually faded into the night, leaving me in a blanket of darkness.

I was unafraid of the darkness, for I was one with it.

I often found myself in heated debates with God, questioning why He would choose to let me live with this illness.

In my world, the demons kept me captive, but their voices had grown silent in my mind as if they were waiting….

I had been stuck in my mind for months, desperate to break free. If this is what living is supposed to be like, then I don’t want any part of it.

I beseeched the divine to release me from the mental shackles that bound me so I may once more engage in clear and unfettered thought.

This personal journey may strike a chord with others, but once that bubble burst, I could freely choose my path until the internal darkness returned.

I am incredibly fortunate, for God has guided me out of the darkness six times.

I know the darkness will resurface, but I have the necessary mindset and resources to fight for my sanity.

Losing my beloved Father was the most devastating experience of my life.

The most rewarding moment was 18 months later when I found my purpose in life and battled my pessimism to reclaim my strength through personal exploration and new growth.

I am guided by the principles of honesty and integrity, accompanied by unwavering faith, boundless hope, and unshakeable optimism.

The demons continue to attack, but I persist in the spiritual battle against them every day of my life.

My mental health struggles will not vanish; I have to actively work on managing them.

Every morning, I dedicate time to my devotion and reflection with God through prayer and meditation.

By consistently taking my medication and following a structured routine.

If I let myself slip into complacency or allow others to alter anything, I risk reverting to the victim role once more.

Despite what others may claim, my battle is far from over, even if they believe I am healed.

Only those who have faced the scorching flames and continue to battle them will truly grasp the full extent of this destructive illness.

In remembrance of those who lost the battle.

Your memory will live on in the hearts of those who outlive you, and you will be remembered with compassion by those who comprehend the struggles of illness.

‘We never chose to experience bipolar disorder, depression, schizophrenia, anxiety or any other challenge, just as we were not to blame for the traumas we faced in our pasts.’

After surviving suicide attempts, I find solace in the idea of living on to provide support and encouragement to those battling their inner demons.

I am grateful to God for allowing me to share my feelings with you as I remain alive.

I cannot declare myself cured of my malevolent affliction, but I will strive to endure for one more day.

Natalie M Bleau Author