THE ACT OF BEING WITH YOURSELF
To spend time alone is to observe and acknowledge oneself.
Many individuals struggle with simply being alone with their thoughts and emotions, forcing them to confront their innermost feelings and question whether they truly feel content in their skin.
Engaging in numerous activities can help one avoid dwelling on self-criticism and negative self-perceptions, ultimately allowing one to overlook the necessity for personal improvement.
Receiving compliments has always been a struggle, as I’ve never truly believed I deserved them. Despite not being conceited, I’ve always felt uncomfortable in my skin.
For the first forty years, I was often praised for my youthful appearance and petiteness. However, these compliments held no significance to me.
While I presented myself as someone who cared about my appearance and cleanliness, I overlooked the importance of nurturing my emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being.
My inner self was lifeless, yet I continued to function outwardly. For years, I subjected myself to relentless self-criticism and let others disrupt my emotional and mental equilibrium.
My life seemed ideal at first glance to those not close to me. Yet, beneath the surface, my soul was silently deteriorating.
I used to be alone with my thoughts and feelings, but it was in a toxic manner.
Contemplating my past, I would often revisit the sorrowful moments of my youth, grappling with the reality that I always felt like an outsider, never truly fitting in or feeling like I belonged.
I attempted to gain approval from my tribe through people-pleasing, only to be rejected.
There are multiple perspectives through which you can view this behaviour.
I was consumed by self-pity, mourning the child or young person within me who felt undeserving of love. I mourned the years I had lost, dwelling on things beyond my ability to change.
A wave of intense pain and isolation washed over me, followed swiftly by a surge of anger and fury. Why am I being punished for simply existing when I have done nothing to deserve this?
I sensed the scorn, the loathing, and the accusation. I internalised every critical remark, allowing them to define my truth.
My Father always encouraged me to move past the trauma. I could feel his love and concern, but I also struggled with the feeling that he felt like he failed me.
I was consumed by negative thoughts about who I was, where I was headed, and my future. Eventually, I became my own worst critic, constantly tearing myself down.
Sitting with your thoughts and feelings in this manner is a recipe for disaster. It can lead to feelings of depression and a sense of purposelessness, turning you into a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode.
It was my inner turmoil and emotions that drove me to attempt to take my own life, as I felt utterly lost and unable to find a way out.
From the start, it was never about selfishness or seeking attention. It was a desperate attempt to flee the shadows of my thoughts and shield myself from the pain of past traumas.
There are better approaches than sitting with yourself in this way.
I empathise with those who choose to avoid facing their inner demons by turning to substances like drugs or alcohol to numb their pain. As time passed, that experience evolved into the narrative of my life.
I turned to self-help books for a new way of life, hoping to find my needed answers. However, it soon became apparent that it was like trying to heal a wound with a band-aid that would never fully mend.
The problem could only be resolved by digging deep within myself, a painful process that required three years of therapy sessions to start. This journey ahead promised to be lengthy and filled with challenges, and success in therapy would only come through diligent effort and commitment.
Participating in psychodynamic group therapy was incredibly beneficial for me as it provided a safe space for me to express my thoughts and emotions. During this time, I was struggling with the intense sadness of my father’s impending death, which served as a wake-up call for me.
DO OR DIE
Seventeen months after my beloved Father’s passing when, I made one final desperate attempt to break free from the grips of life. It took another three months before I was able to finally put down the bottle and start on the path to healing.
At this moment, I first became interested in exploring self-discovery through writing. Reflecting on my journey and decisions, I realised the power of introspection and storytelling in uncovering one’s true self.
Once again, I am delving into the depths of my soul to uncover the reasons behind my troubled nature. I am reflecting on the various influences, both positive and negative, that have shaped my life.
I was ready to clear my mind of all that I had learned and discover my true self. It felt like a fresh start, a rebirth.
Exploring the depths of my inner self, I realised that the path to progress required me to embrace the unchangeable and actively transform what I could.
Upon reflection, I discovered that many negative thoughts about myself were unfounded. I realised that I possessed unique qualities and can love myself.
Once more, I rediscovered the God of my understanding and found a compassionate, nurturing, and understanding deity in His presence. He guided me over time, sustaining my existence and granting me a reason to continue living.
The God I now know differs from the one I was raised to believe in. This God is one of love and compassion, teaching me that I am accepted and belong.
With God’s guidance and my Father’s wisdom, I started my journey with a newfound positivity and self-acceptance. Shedding my false facade, I gained the confidence to stand up for what is right and fight for justice.
Through my writing, I maintain the focus required to navigate the delicate balance of my ongoing journey. While I anticipate numerous challenges ahead, I find reassurance in the unwavering presence of my higher power, guiding me through life’s trials. I will also encounter moments of happiness that may feel overpowering, as they are unfamiliar to me, and I have yet to embrace them fully.
One thing is sure: I will make a conscious effort to avoid lingering on negative situations and instead seek out the positives in every circumstance.
Sometimes, the things we desire are only sometimes within our reach, and there is a purpose behind that.
REJECTION IS GODS PROTECTION
I am grateful that I have never placed importance on material possessions. Instead, I have always valued love, affection, acceptance, honesty, fairness, and other positive qualities. However, I recognise that I need to focus on improving myself first.
Materialism may provide fleeting joy, but it cannot compare to the deep fulfilment of practising self-love and self-care.
There is no more excellent gift than the peace of mind that comes from within.
In everything, there must be a balance.
Natalie M Bleau
Scripture of Balance
