THE COMPLEX SIDE OF ME

Reflections on My Twenties: Power, Risks, and Mental Health

An Account of My Journey Through Relationships and Self-Discovery

My twenties were a tumultuous period filled with interactions with a diverse array of people, each influencing my life in profound and detrimental ways.

As I navigated through this era, I often relinquished control and granted others significant power over my decisions and emotions. This phenomenon stemmed from my inherent desire to belong and be accepted, a yearning that sometimes led me down precarious paths.

The Influence of Others

Growing up, I was surrounded by individuals with varying influence over me. Some were positive forces, providing guidance, support, and encouragement. However, some wielded their influence to manipulate and control me, exploiting my vulnerabilities.

I frequently conform to their expectations and desires, sacrificing my aspirations and standards. This submission to external influences left me feeling disempowered and disconnected from my true self.

Fears and Risks

The interplay between my fears and the risks I took was a defining element of my twenties.

My fear of rejection and failure often compelled me to engage with people not conducive to my well-being.

I sought validation and acceptance from individuals whose values and morals opposed mine.

This pursuit led to compromising situations where I took risks that jeopardised my mental and physical health.

The constant tension between wanting to be accepted and fearing the consequences of my choices created a cycle of self-doubt and apprehension.

Mental Health Battles

During this period, I was diagnosed with depression, bipolar disorder, and dissociative personality disorder. These diagnoses were pivotal in understanding the complexities of my behaviour and emotions.

My mental health issues were intricately tied to my interactions with others and the power dynamics at play. The depression made it difficult to maintain relationships and often led to isolation.

Bipolar disorder introduced unpredictable mood swings, making it challenging to sustain any semblance of stability. Dissociative personality disorder added another layer of complexity, as it caused detachment from reality and fragmented my sense of self.

Depression

Depression was a relentless companion, casting a shadow over my every interaction. It sapped my energy and motivation, rendering me incapable of forging meaningful connections.

The profound sadness and hopelessness were exacerbated by the negative influences I had allowed into my life. The desire to escape the crushing weight of depression led me to make choices that were detrimental to my well-being.

Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder introduced a chaotic and unpredictable element to my life. The oscillation between manic highs and depressive lows made it challenging to maintain consistency in relationships and personal endeavours.

During manic episodes, I would take impulsive and often reckless risks, driven by a sense of invulnerability. Conversely, the depressive episodes left me immobilised and incapable of functioning, further straining my relationships and self-perception.

Dissociative Personality Disorder

Dissociative personality disorder fragmented my identity, making it challenging to comprehend who I truly was. The detachment from reality and creating alternate personas introduced confusion and instability into my life. This disorder, coupled with the influence of others, created a perfect storm of identity crisis and disempowerment.

The Refusal to Commit

The culmination of these experiences led me to refuse commitment in any relationship. The fear of losing myself and the desire to reclaim control over my life prompted this decision.

I realised that to preserve my sense of self and protect my mental health; I needed to establish boundaries and prioritise my well-being. Refusing commitment was not an act of defiance but rather a crucial step towards self-preservation and empowerment.

Conclusion

Reflecting on my twenties, I recognise the immense challenges and resilience I demonstrated in overcoming them.

The power I allowed others to wield over me, the risks I took, and the battles with mental health shaped me into the person I am today.

Through these experiences, I have better understood myself and what I want from life. My refusal to commit to relationships is a testament to my journey towards self-discovery and empowerment.

As I continue to navigate life, I am determined to prioritise my values, morals, and mental health, ensuring that I remain true to myself and resilient in the face of adversity.

I rely on my higher power to guide me on my journey; maybe I will find someone who complements me. This relationship, grounded in mutual respect and understanding, would be a partnership that honours our identities and empowers us to grow together.