WHAT IS SUICIDE??
When the word suicide echoes in your mind, the immediate association is with an individual tragically choosing to end their own existence.
There are those who inflict harm upon themselves as a desperate plea for assistance, while others seek to extinguish the torment that engulfs their minds and existence.
Although I have been fortunate enough to never experience the loss of a family member to suicide, I have sadly witnessed acquaintances who have succumbed to this tragic act.
I am compelled to write about this subject due to my personal journey as a five-time survivor.
Within the subject there exist various classifications of suicide, including political suicide.
However, I am only talking about methods that can be categorized as self-harm leading to a tragic end.
In the depths of my despair, I found solace in the embrace of excessive drinking and drug consumption.
It was my aim to gradually escape from this world so that it did not look like I did suicide.
Yet, for others, this self-destructive path served as a shield against the deafening noise echoing within their minds.
During my journey towards recovery, I acknowledged that my initial intention was to self-destruct.
Many individuals claim that suicide is an act of cowardice.
However, I strongly disagree, as it takes immense bravery to even consider going down that path.
Unless you have experienced hitting rock bottom and made an attempt to end your own life, it is not fair for you to form an opinion on the matter.
Some may argue that suicide is a selfish act, but in those moments, we fail to see that.
We believe we are relieving you from the burden of our presence.
Throughout my life, I’ve often expressed the belief that if I were to pass away, people would quickly move on and forget about me.
However, reality has shown me otherwise.
Suicide, I’ve come to realize, is an incredibly painful way to lose someone, as it leaves behind an overwhelming sense of guilt, making you question if you could have somehow prevented their tragic end.
In the depths of my despair, betrayed by those in power, I found myself trapped with no solace in sight.
Overwhelmed by the weight of my troubles, I yearned for an escape from it all.
Dorothy Parker’s poignant poem on suicide has started to unveil its meaning to me as I suffer from suicide ideation.
Dorothy Parker Resumè
1893 –1967
‘Razors pain you; Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful; Nooses give;
Gas smells awful; You might as well live.’
There was a time when my mind fixated on paths taken towards the end, seeking solace in the least agonizing departure.
I find myself hesitant to divulge the unconventional thoughts that reside within me, for I am reluctant to unveil the tormented depths of my soul to others.
Today, I find immense gratitude in recognizing the precious gift of life bestowed upon me by a God of grace.
As I stand here, I cannot confidently declare that I would refrain from making the choices I did five years ago, for the enigmatic nature of the future remains unknown.
Nevertheless, I rejoice in the opportunity to persist on this remarkable expedition of self-discovery, delving deeper into the realms of understanding who I truly am.
In everything, there must be a balance.
Natalie Bleau
Scripture of Balance
