WHEN ALL THINGS FALL APART

A popular saying advises against procrastination: “Why wait until tomorrow to do what you can accomplish today?”

I strive to make every hour of my life count, aiming for it to hold meaning and significance.

Many people casually say, “Life is short,” but I don’t think they truly grasp the gravity of a sudden death.

Present today, absent tomorrow.

Certain people are constantly on my mind and in my prayers, as I am uncertain when our paths may cross again.

The unexpected hand of death snatches away those we least anticipate losing.

I was prepared to face death head-on by choice many times in my life, but I now understand that I wouldn’t trade the blessings that God has granted me.

I used to have a dark preoccupation with death, envisioning scenarios in my mind of how I would bring about my demise.

My obsession has not waned, yet I have not undertaken any significant endeavours since July 2018.

Predicting the future is impossible, so it’s essential not to try. You never know what unexpected events could occur that might push you to consider ending your life, especially when you have mental health challenges.

For so long, I found myself consumed by thoughts of wishing for my demise every single day. It wasn’t until God revealed my true purpose that I finally saw the light. Without that sense of purpose, I would have felt lost and without a reason to keep going.

One of the most heartbreaking aspects of death, aside from the pain and suffering, is the impact it has on those we leave behind.

Death often arrives without warning, leaving us unable to find peace and closure, especially when it is a result of suicide.

Why did God allow them to have this illness? What pushed them to take their lives?

If prayer holds such immense power, why did my Father endure suffering and ultimately pass away?

What was the reason for the baby being born lifeless?

The introspective questions and guilt arise when someone has died by suicide.

Could I have done or said something to stop this from happening?

I was surprised they appeared to be doing fine the last time I saw them.

I should have answered that late-night phone call instead of ignoring it.

During my moments of despair, I feel alone in a void, a mere silhouette of my true self. The world around me fades insignificantly as I struggle to return to the light.

I will provide concise answers to your questions, but I will never reveal the true extent of my vulnerability.

Despite being surrounded by over 30 people in a meeting room, I couldn’t shake my loneliness.

While riding public transport, I find solace in the harmonious sounds of classical or gospel music streaming through my earphones. However, the music also serves as a shield, disconnecting me from the presence of others in my surroundings.

If you’re familiar with me, you’ll recognise that I constantly wear a smile.

The authenticity of my smile stems from the genuine happiness I feel upon seeing you in that moment, only to drift back into my world shortly after

Depression is not a decision to be unhappy, but rather a sickness that can unexpectedly grip you no matter where or when.

If a trigger word is mentioned during a meeting, I discreetly excuse myself and leave the room.

Understanding your triggers is crucial, as they have the power to transport you back to the torment you once endured.

I have had a few moments of joy, but they are outnumbered by the weight of sadness that constantly tips the balance.

One important lesson I’ve discovered is that happiness doesn’t rely on others; it begins within yourself.

Some individuals are unhappy and remain in that state because they accept it as a permanent part of their lives.

Particularly in the context of romantic partnerships.

The length of time spent in a relationship does not matter most, but rather the depth of connection and the quality of the bond.

I often hear both men and women expressing dissatisfaction with their partners, focusing solely on the negative aspects of their relationships.

Some issues stem from a lack of respect and negative attitudes, while others arise from a decline in intimacy.

Walking away from a relationship can be painful, but staying in one where you no longer feel invested is a waste of time.

The foundation of any successful relationship should always begin with a strong friendship, one that is free from any physical intimacy.

Every movie I watch centres on characters engaging in casual relationships with multiple partners.

Some individuals lack common interests, resulting in relationships solely based on physical attraction.

I have yet to find someone who checks all the boxes for me.

Most individuals I know of are primarily focused on themselves and crave attention.

They are deceptive and aim to prove to their friends that they have you completely under their influence.

They attempt to respond to all the questions others pose, treating you as though you lack intellect.

Some individuals find themselves trapped in situations they feel unable to escape, whether due to financial constraints or the presence of children.

I am fortunate to be one of the few who have chosen not to marry or have children and have always been self-reliant.

I couldn’t fathom being trapped in a relationship lacking direction or hope for progress.

While some say I’ll end up alone with that attitude, I believe I’ll live longer without it.

There are moments when I struggle and feel overwhelmed, but I always find the strength to pull myself back up.

When you overcome one obstacle, another seems to take its place. The most effective approach may be to clear your mind and avoid dwelling on problems.

I am grateful to God each day for the individuals who have crossed my path, whether they have brought positivity or negativity into my life. They have all played a role in shaping me into the person I am today.

In everything, there must be a balance.

Natalie M Bleau

Scripture of Balance.